Nothing to Feel, Nothing to Say

There are some things in this life that you can't know for sure. In fact, there are billions of things that you will never be able to know the answer to. There is ALWAYS something that you will have to put your TRUST in. And sometimes, that trust is needed by someone else. 


                      "I need you to trust me. For once." 


That is something that I have had to say so many times. And when I have to tell someone that, it hurts. It hurts so badly because if the people I love can't trust me, what's the point in trying? 




trust |trəst|noun1 firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something : relations have to be built on trust | they have been able to win the trust of the others.• acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation : I used only primary sources, taking nothing on trust.• the state of being responsible for someone or something : a man in a position of trust.




"Firm belief in someone". Why can't I be that someone? Why is it so hard for me to prove that I know; that I understand; that I feel? A FIRM BELIEF. I WILL understand. I WILL ALWAYS love and try to understand. But if you don't trust me, how can you expect me to trust you?

Dear Boy,

Boy,

I had a nightmare last night. It was so horrifying, I woke up with tears falling down my face and my heart pounding at a million beats a second.
In my nightmare, I had lost you forever. Not in the sense that you had died or moved far away, but in the way that you weren't there. You left me to fend off the terrors of this world alone. I didn't have you to comfort me, I didn't have you to knock some sense into me. I didn't have you. You hated me. You loathed every little movement I made. You didn't want anything to do with me.
You will never love me the way I love you, but I can't live without you. No matter if we are just friends, or if we become something more. I will always need you. I hope you need me too. And I hope that nightmare was just that. A heart breaking scene playing in my unconscious mind. Nothing more than what will never happen. I love you. In every way.
Forever and always here for you; unconditionally.
Girl

In That Very Moment

There's always that one moment where the realization of whatever situation you're in hits you, and for that first beat of it, the only thing you feel is shock. And then the emotion kicks in. Today, there was a pretty scary realization to me.

My best friend was missing. There were a few hours when my older brother Brandon had gone missing in a different state, and no one knew where he was. When I heard what had happened, that moment of shock kept me talking to my dad, and when I hung up the phone, panic hit me, and I lost control. I started crying and I had an overwhelming feeling of worry flood into me. I was so scared, and I knew there was nothing I could do. My dad didn't  know what was going on, and neither did the mission presidents or anything. We were all completely cut off from him. I had to go to work, and never once did the thought of my brother leave my head. Because in that moment when I heard it for the first time, every possible scenario popped into my brain. Even the bad ones. And it wasn't until we finally heard from him that I could breathe. But that whole time, I had a bit of a song repeating in my head.

"I close my eyes, I tell myself to breathe and be calm. 

Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes.
Be calm."

There's always that one little moment between complete blankness and figuring out what you want to feel. And in that moment, anything can happen. In that moment, you can see the love, the hate, the good the bad. Everything. In that very moment, anything and everything is possible. 

Honestly, the only thing I can think of during this kind of thing is to hope for the best, but brace for the worst.

Pieces

Hm.. I don't know how to say what I want to say.

Well, I have to say, I think Halloween might be my favorite holiday. There is just so much that has happened in the past, and memories that I will never forget. I don't care about the costumes or candy, it's more of the things that happen and what I do with people I love, you know? It's so hard to see people move on. I know we all have to eventually, but when all you can see of the people who have meant the most to you is their back, something happens. It's like their leaving you. Shattered into 

PIECES.

When they are all gone, and you are still there where you want to be, and where you feel comfortable, something goes missing in you. And that's because the people you love the most will always carry a piece of you with them. They may even forget about it, but it's always there. And you know you will never forget them. 

Tonight, I felt like someone who had slipped away was back where I was left. Like nothing had happened and everything was okay again. That felt good. My pieces fit. And at that moment, I knew that I don't need to be afraid. As long as I know who I am, and as long as I can see them- even just in my mind- I don't need anything else. I know everything will be okay. And I felt happy. I still do. Just the memories I have make me happier the more I think about them. As long as they are here, I know that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. All of the pieces will FIT, and everything will be okay.

Of Slow Food and Straws

Aaaaalright! SO! Not that I actually have all that much to say about today. School sucked, as usual. But whatever. That doesn't matter. I had fun after school!
So pretty much right as the bell rang for school to get out, I got a text. From a surprising sender. My best friend Wyatt's mom texted me. WHAT THE RANDOM!? Haha No worries. It all made sense. See, she wanted me to come over and do Weston's (One of Wyatt's little brothers) zombie pirate makeup. So I told her I would and I got one of my other best friends Neesha to run me over to their house to do it. (Thanks Dilee for letting me use your makeup... Just by the way.) His mom told me I was a "superstar" in their house. SWEET! I have no idea why, but whatever makes them happy! Emma was saying some pretty... uhh.. interesting? things about me and other people. Haha She's so cute. Anyways. So I did Weston and Emma's makeup, and then I went home, changed, and went to work. Now there is where the fun starts happening. 
It was a reeeeaallllllly slow night. For some reason, people seem to shun fast food on Tuesdays. So pretty much the entire time, Nate, Becca and I were teasing each other all night. We kept doing stuff like kicking the back of our knees out or putting ice down each others backs. You know, the usual stuff friends do. And Nate said I was on "his side" and Becca said I was on "her side". Psh. Whatever. I'm too cool for picking sides. But then, Nate's sister brought us all Roxberries for no reason. :) I was on his side from there on out. 
"YOU GET BABY STRAWS WITH BABY ROXBERRIES!"
But practically the entire time was just us goofing around. ... I hope none of my managers EVER see this. . . Eh, who'm I kiddin. So anyway! We all just kept heading back to the break room and talking. And still getting work done, might I add. I think we had a total of like 70 customers in the 4 and a half hours I was there for. It was pretty great, not gonna lie. OH! And the best part is, I won 5 bucks. :P
The other best part is, I walked back to the break room and Nate and Becca were standing there. This was our conversation. 
"Havin a little make out session?"
". . . I need a straw."

The Finer Things In Life

    The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

       You know something? There is one feeling that I have that is the greatest feeling ever. That feeling is not happiness, it's not excitement, and it isn't even love necessarily. It's safety. And there are only two places I have ever felt truly safe. In the presence of my mother, and in his arms.

       There is one person that I have always loved. From the moment I met them to this very day. Maybe not in the sense that I think we should get married or anything, but in the sense that I just love him. He is the one person who has always been there. Even when he wasn't, I knew he cared. And. . . I know I should just give up on him already because there is no way he could feel the way I do about him. But I can't. 

         When you love someone, no matter what context, that love never really goes away. You can get mad at someone, but if the love is really there, you will always come back to each other. And that's how I know he loves me. He has given me countless second chances, and even though I can't really see what it was that I ever did.. He still took me back. Whether it was because I needed him, he needed me, or just because. We could never really be separated. Do you understand? 

        This one person has had such an impact on my life. And about that safety thing. In his arms... his embrace... even his smell. I feel.. Like all of the pain and sadness from the world is gone. Like nothing can hurt me. Like there is no piece of badness or destruction in all of creation that could ever get to me. But the moment he lets go or walks away, everything comes flooding back. And safety, that kind of love that someone can give and show you is not something that just happens all the time. In fact, it probably wont ever come more than once.

         I don't know if you have ever felt that before.. But I have. And there is nothing more comforting than knowing that there is someone who is always close by to save you from the world.

Getting a good kick in the pants to keep you on track is something that your friends might not have the guts to give you. But he does. He doesn't care what the consequence is. If you need it, he'll give it to you. I've gotten them more often then I probably should.

           Looking into his blue eyes, I see him. For who he is, and not what the world sees of him. I can see his pain and his proudest moments. Secrets he has confided in me, and things he never thought he would ever tell me. A week after we met, I knew him better than I knew myself. Now though... I feel like we've lost that. And that scares me. Thinking that he doesn't trust me or he doesn't feel it important to take the time to talk to me. Maybe walks at midnight and endless hours on the phone or just talking aren't necessary anymore, but little things here and there wouldn't be bad. You know? 

                              I miss him.

                              I miss you.

        Please. Know how I feel. And know that nothing will ever change the love I have for you. 

                                  Ever.

It's Not Kosher

Okay! So I know I haven't written anything in a long time, but I guess that doesn't matter all that much since there is a total of like 1 person who actually reads-or at least skims- my blog. But whatever. It's less for others to read, and more for me to vent or just say whatever. Blogs are great places to talk about people where they have no clue it's them! Especially when they don't read your blog anyway. So! Back to what is NOT kosher.

Alright, so there's this girl I know, right? She's pretty awesome. We went to Starbucks tonight and talked and did stuff. It was pretty much awesome. 

There's also this guy who has been... uh.. bothering this pretty awesome... ly cool friend of mine. And that one guy is just... not cool. Okay? You get me? Or what I'm saying? Cause I don't. But it's rare that I do. SO! I'm not actually talking about anything and I'm just rambling. So I will go away now. But I will be writing something else in a few minutes. That I KNOW something about. Cause life is not really one of those things.

.... Kbye

Vic and Michele

Oh my gosh! Okay! So, this last weekend I went to an anime convention in Denver Colorado called Nan Desu Kon. And I wish I could tell you all of my stories now, but I have a butt load of homework, and I kind of want to try to sleep tonight because I am exhausted. BUT! I will summarize the best parts.

SO basically, I am great friends with Vic Mignogna and his wife/fiance Michele Specht!! We had a blast with them and talked for a really long time and even got invited to do some cool stuff with them. I got 7 kisses from Vic and was claimed by Michele. They also want me and Wyatt to record songs for them. Wyatt is close with them too. And so basically all of the anime fan world hates us because they are jealous of us. It's pretty great. I'll fill you in more later!!!

James McAvoy part 1

 I am in LOVE!!!! If I could marry anyone in the world from any point in time, it would most definitely be James McAvoy. Hands down, no contest, end of story. I am in love with this man!!! I will write a super long post about it that no one will be reading because it is too long, but if you love James McAvoy, then it might be something good for you to read. :D But I have to go to class now.. LOVE THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!

Street Legal

WHOOT! I totally became street legal on August 30, 2011! I got my license at around 4:39 pm. The minute I got home, I dropped my dad off and took his car to drive around and run some errands. :] It was pretty great. And when I got home like 3 hours later, I took my sisters car and visited my friend who works at Wendy's!

And now, I am being told by Tyler to tell you about his Pringles. So... He has Pringles. Yeah. 

I love driving alone!!!!

The Bizarreness of My Mind

My brain has issues. You know that little voice in your head that is usually yours that is just your thoughts. Like, what you're going to say or do? Just the voice in your head. You know what I mean. Yeah.. Mine is English. Sometimes Scottish. And I don't know why it's like that, but when I think, it's generally not american. And I think that's weird. Sometimes because it's English in my head, it comes out of my mouth that way too. My brain is so weird. O.o

. . .

Just so everyone who actually reads this/pretends to read this knows, I have absolutely NO clue what I am supposed to do with a blog. I don't know what I am supposed to write about or how often or anything. I know it's the point to do it on your own time and all, but seriously. I'm hopelessly lost. I'm just not that interesting of a person. Sorry. :/

Imperfectly Perfect

There is someone that I know who is imperfect. Well, everyone I know is imperfect. That's not the point though. This person is so imperfect, in my eyes they are imperfectly perfect. They are flawed like all of us are, and they make mistakes- sometimes huge mistakes- but what really sets them apart is that they aren't afraid to admit that they have made a mistake. They take pride in the fact that they aren't perfect. 
He knows he lies, he knows he hurts people, he knows he screws up big time on a lot of things. But he isn't afraid of letting everyone know that. Sure he may deny it a few times, but we all do. And to me, he is so imperfect, he is what I would call near perfection. Beautiful, pure, true-to-themselves, perfection. And there isn't a thing that I would change about him. I love him so much and every other imperfect being on this earth.

Blue Eyes

The most breathe taking creature I have ever seen in my life has the most beautiful blue eyes. Never have I seen anything that could pierce your soul so effortlessly and yet so profoundly. I don't know what it is about blue eyes, but they are always so deep and trusting. And I have seen some pretty blue eyes, but the most amazing pair belong to one person. They are bright, baby blue eyes with just the right amount of gray in them. Every time I look into those eyes, I fall in love all over again. 

Brilliant

Okay. Last post for the day, I promise. :] 
Once again I just finished a brilliant movie. Brilliant in a different way than The Last Station, but brilliant none the less. It's called Starter For 10. Not a clue why it's called that, it has nothing to do with the plot or characters or anything. But that's how I waist my life! Watching movies and television shows. Wow.. Oh well!! I enjoy it greatly!!! 

The Last Station

I just finished one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen in my life. 
It was the amazing true story of Leo Tolstoy, Countess Sofya Tolstoy, Valentin Bulgakov, and his love Masha. The movie was titled "The Last Station" and though it may seem slow at first, the story was moving and just amazing. . . I'm not meaning to review the movie, but I just had to say something to someone about it. I honestly didn't think I would enjoy it, but it was great, and the music was absolutely gorgeous! I would not necessarily  recommend it to most people (especially most people I know) because you need to have a certain respect for certain things and a specific outlook on life and style of movies. 
But me, I loved it with all my heart, and it was beautiful.... That's all.... :3

Be British

 Read my first post in an English accent., it makes it sound better. And actually it was written with a proper English accent reading it in my head... for some reason.

Unwillingly Pressured By Myself

...... I gave in! I actually pressured myself into getting a blog. That can't be good for me.. But most of my family has one, so I figured, I have enough on my mind constantly and nowhere to put it all. 
I was thinking last night/this morning (3:30 am) about some of the reasons I can't sleep. And I know that one of them is because there is always so much going through my mind. I had just finished watching a movie that.. I probably shouldn't have been watching... but I did, and I am actually glad that I did. That's how I came to write my whole "Incomplete Thoughts" thing. So even though I didn't really have a desire to have a blog, I think this may be good for me. 


Oh yeah, and those two actors I have fallen in love with? Lee Pace and James McAvoy. :P 
If I could marry any man in the entire world at ay time in history, it would be James McAvoy. Hands down. ;) 
Tee hee

Incomplete Thoughts Completely Lacking in Relatability

These thoughts are indescribable in the sense that it is unbelievably hard for me to express my true thoughts and feelings. The inspiration is personal and yet I know nothing about it. 

"The tears I shed for the loss of time, love, and hope of others are unrecognizably real. Though the fiction of the stories may sometimes come clear, I will never understand the pain their creators went through to create the lives of so many people and to burn their world and humanity to the ground. The sheer terror alone would be enough to bring me to my knees and beg for mercy and compassion on their behalf. 
My face- though stained with heartache and loss- bears the unmistakable mark of a soul that cannot bear to see the world of others- however fake, fictional, or real- to be torn apart an reinvented for the sake of someone elses satisfaction."


When I say "on their behalf" I of coarse am referring to the creations, not the creators. 
I understand that this may not make any sense to most who choose to read it, but to me it is true. It is inspired, an it is not the last of my emotional..... Spews. 
Granted this did come about after watching a movie and finishing it at 3:30 in the morning, but I still believe there is substance in place where describability, relevance, and applicability lack.