Dear Boy,

Boy,

I had a nightmare last night. It was so horrifying, I woke up with tears falling down my face and my heart pounding at a million beats a second.
In my nightmare, I had lost you forever. Not in the sense that you had died or moved far away, but in the way that you weren't there. You left me to fend off the terrors of this world alone. I didn't have you to comfort me, I didn't have you to knock some sense into me. I didn't have you. You hated me. You loathed every little movement I made. You didn't want anything to do with me.
You will never love me the way I love you, but I can't live without you. No matter if we are just friends, or if we become something more. I will always need you. I hope you need me too. And I hope that nightmare was just that. A heart breaking scene playing in my unconscious mind. Nothing more than what will never happen. I love you. In every way.
Forever and always here for you; unconditionally.
Girl

In That Very Moment

There's always that one moment where the realization of whatever situation you're in hits you, and for that first beat of it, the only thing you feel is shock. And then the emotion kicks in. Today, there was a pretty scary realization to me.

My best friend was missing. There were a few hours when my older brother Brandon had gone missing in a different state, and no one knew where he was. When I heard what had happened, that moment of shock kept me talking to my dad, and when I hung up the phone, panic hit me, and I lost control. I started crying and I had an overwhelming feeling of worry flood into me. I was so scared, and I knew there was nothing I could do. My dad didn't  know what was going on, and neither did the mission presidents or anything. We were all completely cut off from him. I had to go to work, and never once did the thought of my brother leave my head. Because in that moment when I heard it for the first time, every possible scenario popped into my brain. Even the bad ones. And it wasn't until we finally heard from him that I could breathe. But that whole time, I had a bit of a song repeating in my head.

"I close my eyes, I tell myself to breathe and be calm. 

Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes.
Be calm."

There's always that one little moment between complete blankness and figuring out what you want to feel. And in that moment, anything can happen. In that moment, you can see the love, the hate, the good the bad. Everything. In that very moment, anything and everything is possible. 

Honestly, the only thing I can think of during this kind of thing is to hope for the best, but brace for the worst.

Pieces

Hm.. I don't know how to say what I want to say.

Well, I have to say, I think Halloween might be my favorite holiday. There is just so much that has happened in the past, and memories that I will never forget. I don't care about the costumes or candy, it's more of the things that happen and what I do with people I love, you know? It's so hard to see people move on. I know we all have to eventually, but when all you can see of the people who have meant the most to you is their back, something happens. It's like their leaving you. Shattered into 

PIECES.

When they are all gone, and you are still there where you want to be, and where you feel comfortable, something goes missing in you. And that's because the people you love the most will always carry a piece of you with them. They may even forget about it, but it's always there. And you know you will never forget them. 

Tonight, I felt like someone who had slipped away was back where I was left. Like nothing had happened and everything was okay again. That felt good. My pieces fit. And at that moment, I knew that I don't need to be afraid. As long as I know who I am, and as long as I can see them- even just in my mind- I don't need anything else. I know everything will be okay. And I felt happy. I still do. Just the memories I have make me happier the more I think about them. As long as they are here, I know that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. All of the pieces will FIT, and everything will be okay.